When I Knew Something Was Wrong With Me; PTSD

Does anyone remember the exact moment when you got PTSD? I do! It was one hot summer night in Jackson, MS. and likely between May '95 and May '96.  I was living in an abandoned apartment on the streets of Jackson, MS. at the time. Up to that point, I had always lived in the suburbs of Jackson. Like in Pearl, Richland, Clinton, Brandon, Ridgeland but never Jackson. Guns were going off right outside the front door of the abandoned apartment where I stayed. 

There were no lights, but there was furniture. There was running water but there was not a window in one of the rooms. Thankfully, it was up about 1 story high from ground level so I didn't worry too much about anyone sneaking in. But the door wouldn't shut either.

There was one more window out part way but again, I didn't worry about it because it had a big shard of glass if someone would try to break in it would shatter and wake me so I could run to my car and get away before they hurt me. 

During that time I was raped for the second time in my life. Many had tried, some had held a knife to my throat and made me perform sexual acts on them but I was never completely raped by someone other than my ex husband until I was living in that abandoned apartment. 

Thankfully, it didn't happen there but it happened very near by and by someone who frequented the area where the abandoned apartment was. It was late one summer on a hot-muggy-stuffy Mississippi night. I mean real hot. It must have been 101 degrees in that abandoned apartment. 

Because I was always scared I would sit up to the crack of dawn on most nights by the front door with a baseball bat in a chair directly setting in front of the broken front door that would only shut part way. I would light my candle and read the holy bible.

That was when Jeremiah and Isaiah became two of my most well known books of the bible. And the book of Psalms too. One night I was so tired I decided to try to sleep. Well I couldn't sleep naked because I was so afraid I might have to dodge out the door with only my car keys and I could not bare the thought of doing that naked. 

On this particular night I was in my bathing suit and in bed. I had my keys right next to my head in case of an intrusion. I kept hearing something in the other bedroom (it was a 2 bedroom abandoned apartment). I would get up and check but nothing was there. I checked the kitchen, the bathroom, the bedroom and the living room was clear. I laid back down but once again I kept hearing something. 

One of my friends had already come over and made a joke about a man with a dead body up in the attic. The attic was in the hall between the bedrooms and the bathroom. It was the night after one of my quirky friends cracked that joke. They sowed the seeds of fear. 

I heard something again and I got up with the baseball bat and I tried to open the attic to see if something or someone was in there. I laid back down but the next time I heard it again and it was really loud. I got up and ran out the door with my keys at 3AM in downtown Jackson, MS and jumped in my Barracuda. 

I drove to my friends house around the corner) and knocked on his door but he wouldn't open it. I was still so scared I just sat on his porch in my bathing suit until dawn. Finally, his girlfriend came out and talked to me. The sun was up and I felt safe enough to go back to the abandoned apartment. I went in and went to sleep in the hot, hot, sunny summer of Mississippi.